Things
you'll Never hear a pagan say:
- Alexandrian
Wicca:
- Yes,
we admit it - we nicked everything from the Gardnerians.
- Arthurian
Enthusiasts:
- Guinevere
was really a Pictish warrior princess!
- I
think 'The Sword in the Stone' is a really great film.
- Astrologer:
- But
your Sun sign is the most important sign!
- Sorry
I'm late - it was a traffic jam and not anything planetary
at all.
- I'm
a big fan of astronomy.
- We're
about to enter the Age of Aquarius. Meh.
- Celtic
Faerie Shaman:
- I'd
better read up on that before I write a book about it...
- I
read the Tain bo Cuailgne in its original language.
- Celtic
Tradition:
- Of
course, we don't actually know anything about the historical
Celts.
- I
hate Celtic knotwork.
- Bloody
bog trotters and sheep shaggers!
- I
find Cerridwen to be a very nice Goddess, don't
you?
- Chaos
Magician:
- No,
no, no! You're doing it all wrong!
- I
think H.P. Lovecraft books are unimaginative.
- Crowley:
- This
table of correspondences is too complicated...
- I
think it's about time I settled down with a family and
started going to church...
- I
like my Mother.
- I
used to think I knew my stuff, but now I've read Silver
Ravenwolf I'm willing to step down.
- I
couldn't fit this into Kabbalah!
- Dianic:
- Shall
we have an open ritual for all the men?
- Face
it - menstruation is just a bloody nuisance.
- The
earliest cultures were patriarchal and peaceful.
- Sorry,
I can't come to the ritual tonight - my husband's ill.
- Discordians:
- Hang
on, that doesn't make any sense!
- Nope,
too weird for me.
- Eris
is just a minor Goddess - we can ignore her.
- No,
no, no, no, no! First you cast the circle,
then you fill the bathtub with brightly coloured
East German power tools, only after all that
do you give your offerings to Eris! Keep to the structure
people!
- Druidry:
- I
agree with Time Team's action at Seahenge.
- No
cider for me, thanks.
- Oh
I couldn't possibly sing that! I'm too embarrassed!
- I
think English Heritage is doing a great job.
- Eclectic
Pagan:
- You
must remain true to each culture's specific traditions
and practices!
- That
has no value to my spiritual path whatsoever.
- My
way is the only true way to God!
- Attributing
that meaning to that deity ignores
the wider context.
- Eco-Pagan:
- Let's
go to MacDonald's!
- That
tree's got bad energy - cut it down!
- Recycling
is for pussies with a guilty conscience.
- Actually,
I think GM is an interesting approach to...
- I
just love what George Bush is doing with his Presidency.
- Protesting?
Nah, it's just a waste of time.
- I've
never been on an anti-capitalist demonstration.
- I
bought shares in Esso/Nestlé/Microsoft/MacDonalds.
- Fam.
trad:
- Yes,
Ron Hutton - nice guy, excellent research.
- Fiona
Horne:
- No
way, that's too gimmicky!
- Fluffy
bunny:
- I
read this in a book and just had to validate it by cross-referencing
it against this academic journal...
- I
never do anything unless it's got empirical proof.
- I
don't believe that.
- Gardnerians:
- Y'know,
I think Aleister Crowley was a very enlightened individual...
- Alicen
Geddes-Ward:
- No,
YOU can't be a Faerie Priestess.
- Gerald
Gardner:
- Actually,
we'll skip the scourging for this ritual...
- For
Gods' sakes, put your clothes back on!
- Nah,
I made it all up.
- Golden
Dawn:
- Right,
let's make this ritual short and simple.
- Hedgewitch/Solitary:
- I
think you can only be a real witch if you're initiated
into a coven.
- No,
online Pagan forums hold no charm for me.
- King
Arthur Pendragon:
- For
goodness sake, we can drink later - keep your minds
on the ritual!
- New
Agers:
- I've
got too many crystals.
- Some
of my best friends are Satanists.
- You
want me to heal you with that??!!
- Hello,
I'm a New Ager.
- Yes,
I was initiated into Gardner's original coven in 1972.
Eventually got my Third Degree y'know.
- All
this Native American stuff is just a fad.
- I
think Glastonbury's crap.
- No,
one of my past lives was not in Atlantis.
- I
was no-one special in a past life.
- I
think the British Empire was a really good idea...
- Call
me fluffy, and I'll BLOODY KILL YOU!!!
- Northern
Heathens/Asatru:
- I'm
teetotal.
- I
quite like the idea of the Christian heaven.
- I'm
a huge Wagner fan.
- Ralph
Blum is my hero!
- Runes?
Ah, I could take 'em or leave 'em.
- Freyja
is not my ideal woman.
- Ronald
Hutton:
- It's
an unbroken tradition you say? Okay, I'll take your
word for it.
- Satanists:
- Hekas,
hekas, este Babloi!
- An'
it harm none, do what ye will.
- I
believe in the Law of Threefold Return.
- I
hate egoists.
- Can
I help you?
- I
have immense respect for the Pope.
- Let's
recite this Latin invocation forwards!
- Shamans:
- Kids,
just say no.
- Silver
Ravenwolf:
- Let's
keep a sense of proportion and dignity in our magic.
- Starhawk:
- Yes
it's true. I do suffer from penis envy.
- Tarot-holic:
- Y'know,
I think I've got too many Tarot decks...
- No,
that's only got a very tenuous link to the Tarot...
- That
card means you're going to die!
- The
King of Wands is really not my type.
- I
don't think we can make a deck with that theme...
- Thelemites:
- I'm
trying to bring out my Inner Child.
- Of
course, the Book of the Law is a badly written fake...
- I
don't think much of Goth or Industrial music, but how
about that Cliff Richard?
- I
enjoy wearing bright colours...
- I
only wear black because it's slimming.
- I
think Arthur Edward Waite was on the right track...
- Actually,
I think Christianity is a really nice religion.
- Maybe
Crowley did do too many drugs.
- You're
eclectic are you? Cool!
- Here,
eat these cookies - I've empowered them with love and
light.
- Wanna-blessed-be's:
- Right,
the first book I'm going to read is Triumph of the
Moon...
- No,
I don't think you're patronizing me or oppressing me
at all!
- And
finally, one's we're all guilty of (or not, as the case
may be)...
- Nah,
let's not go down the pub tonight - isn't there anywhere
else we can have a moot?
- Isn't
it great that we all agree?
- Let's
call our social events 'meetings'!
- Everybody
here on time? Yes? Good.
- I
agree with George Bush's policies...
- Monotheism
is clearly a superior concept.
- Beltane
celebration? Nah, I'll stay at home thanks.
- I
don't see what's so great about Stonehenge...
- Tabloid
journalists get their facts straight about Pagans...
- There
should be a Pagan evangelical movement.
- You
know all those recent cattle and horse mutilation crimes?
That was us.
- I
don't mind people taking the piss out of my spiritual
path in a university society magazine...
Bumper
stickers and other one-liners
God, protect me from your followers!
Religious freedom means ANY religion
Faith is a powerful thing. It often shuts off the rational
mind
Druids do it in Stone Circles
God is Coming AND IS SHE EVER PISSED!
Where's The Messiah When You Need HER?
(Nativity Scene) IT'S A GIRL!
Every day's a holiday when you're pagan!
My God's Is Always Horny
Have you confused a Christian today?
Halloween, a pagan holiday perpetuated by the American Dental
Association
Q:
If a Witch practices on the beach, is she a Sandwich ?
Q:
What's Wiccan, flies around, and makes honey?
A: The Blessed Bee!
Q:
What do you say to an angry witch?
A: Ribbit
Q:
What's the difference between a New Ager and a Pagan?
A: A decimal point. An item you'll pay $300 to a New Ager
for, you can get from a local Pagan for $30.
Q:
How do you tell a New Age witch from a NeoPagan Witch?
A: You throw them both in the water. The NeoPagan Witch
will float, whereas the New Age Witch will sink under
the weight of all their overpriced crystals....
Q:
What happens when a Ceremonial Magician gets angry?
A: He goes Qua-ballistic...
Signs
That You May Be A Military Pagan
Your magickal tools are all listed in Jane's.
You
use a flame-thrower to light the altar candles.
Your
athame has a bayonet attachment to fit on your M-16.
Your
robe is made of camouflage material.
Your
cakes & wine come from MRE's.
Your
book of shadows contains plans on defusing bombs, poison
antidotes and basic survival techniques.
Your
circle is marked by barb-wire.
Your
military command starts off Okay Witches. I want you to
cast a circle of protection around us. We're going in!
You
have to ride an ATV or HumVee to get to the Covenstead.
You
use an artillery shell casing for your God symbol.
You
take down a tent to move the Covenstead.
Your
familiar is either a Doberman, Rotweiller or German Shepherd.
You
use a hubcap for a scrying dish.
You
use teargas to smudge when doing banishings.
Your
goddess symbol is Tank Girl.
First
degree training includes Ninjitsu or other forms of martial
arts.
Your
magickal name is Spike, Slash, Ripcord, Hawkeye, Bubba,
or anything that ends with 'ster'.
You
use machine gun fire to cast your circle.
Instead
of using an acorn or pine cone, you use a hand grenade
for a God symbol (if there isn't an artillery shell available).
You
use a compass for a divination tool.
You
use a bullet on a string for a pendulum.
You
call your High Priest "Commander", and your
High Priestess "General".
Instead
of "So mote it be", you say "Ma'am! Yes,
Ma'am!"
You
post sentries at the four quarters.
The
Guardian of the four Quarters are armed with Barrett M82A1
.50 caliber machine guns.
A
certain nameless ex-Congressman from Georgia attacked
your religious rights.
